I have wanted to be a mommy for about as long as I can remember. I was as prepared as any person can be to be a parent. Through my experience as a babysitter since I was 12, my 9 years as a teacher, my degrees in child development and education, the last nearly two years as a step-mom, and the endless reading I've done on parenting and continue to do, you would have thought I was completely prepared. But the truth is, nothing could have prepared me for what it feels like to be a mom. I know that many have said this, but it is nearly impossible to explain the instant love, worry, and bottomless pit of emotions that overtake you when you become a mom. I hate to admit it, but I'm already seeing that my mom was right about so many things. I always thought she was crazy for worrying so much about your uncle and me and for being emotional at big events but now I know she couldn't help it. Becoming a mom, MAKES you crazy. I had a taste of this with your brother and sister, but since my love for them grew over time, it wasn't the sudden overwhelming sensation it's been with you.
I knew that watching you grow and change would happen much too quickly for me, but I didn't know just how fast and how upsetting it could be. The song "You're Gonna Miss This" came on the radio a couple weeks ago and I was crying like a baby because I knew that not too long from now, I would look back and miss holding you in my arms when you were a small baby. Now part of this can be explained by the recent dramatic change in my body and hormones but another part of me was truly saddened by the fact that before I know it we'll be celebrating your first birthday, your first day of Kindergarten, and your highschool graduation. And then, more than likely, you'll move out to go to college (at Harvard), then you'll fall in love, get married, start a family, and that will be it. You will no longer be in my home where I can watch and take care of you everyday. I know it sounds crazy but even as I type this I'm trying to hold back tears. I know you've only been here three weeks but I already want to turn back time and do it all over again because I can't believe it's already over.
I've also already realized that watching you go through any kind of pain is 1,000 times more painful for me than it is for you. I would give anything for mommy kisses to really make everything all better. Now the only pain you've experienced so far is the pain of circumcision, the pain of a shot, and the pain caused in your belly by gas. All of these moments in your life have been ones where I wanted nothing more than to experience the pain for you. I can't imagine how it will feel as you grow older and (unfortunately) experience worse pains and even heartache. I promise you, it will hurt me more than it hurts you. I never believed it when my mom said this, but she was right. It is amazing how one tear in your eye can tear this (what I thought was a tough lady) mommy apart.
One of the biggest changes in myself I've noticed, is the things I worry about. I don't know if you realize this, but there is an endless list of things that could potentially hurt you and/or have a bad affect on you. I have worried about things that have almost happened, things that could have happened, things I've heard have happened to other people, things that couldn't possibly happen, and things that won't happen for years if at all. Yes my sweet son, I have turned into my own mother in many ways.
So what does this all mean? It means that I love you unconditionally with all of my heart. No matter what, good or bad, I will be here for you. I'll be on your side always. I promise you, there is nothing you could ever do that would change the way I feel about you. It also means that I will do whatever it takes to be the best mom I can be and raise you to be the best person I know you can be. Even if that means being a mean mommy sometimes :)
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I love you with all my heart and always will!
-Mommy
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